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As he lay awake thoughts skimmed across the dance-floor of his mind like quicksilver. The steely cold, leaving livid traces on the marble.

I loved him. I was scared of losing him.
������������������������������������������������������������������������ Now i want him, Iapos;ve lost him in the way i loved him.
����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������
apos;I Shoulda risked itapos;, He thought. apos;I should of ignored my fears, ignored my lack of confidence in comittment of the universe to help me and took it into my own hands and risked it.apos;� He hadnapos;t and now he could feel this toxin of anger, pumping through his veins.

Hot-blood fueled along this anger, this rancur anger at himself, blazing guilty fires that he feared would never go down. He was nineteen, heapos;d made mistakes before; heapos;d been the mistake before, heapos;d taken the mistake before - he knew mistakes and this one was burning him up.

Rolling over onto his side; he felt the emptiness of his bed beside embrace him.

---

I was attempting to be creative and write a piece of prose. Iapos;m not good at prose....poetry i am at least satisfied with my attempts at.

So lets discuss the themes instead.

Have you ever just started dating someone youapos;ve known for years and are really good friends with; only to find you start to worry that knowing yourself you will fuck up lose them as a lover and even more frightfully as a friend?...only to find that this obsessing worry incinerates your own confidence to the point where you think the best thing to do is mutter some nonsense about "iapos;m not really ready for a relationship now" through which you are trying to salvage a friendship not actually endangered specifically.

And then you turned away and didnt them see you cry, didnapos;t let them know how youapos;d poked your own heart in eye and told it to be quiet.

I mean its the twenty first century ,or so sam sparro keeps reminding me, and im sure that someone else has gone through this at sometime....

so, after something like that you try to go on with it all, try and,walk around all jumbled up in your mind and heart and pretending you did the right thing for yourself when you didnt - you dont even do anything for anyone just did something stupid.

"Well it has something to do with [LOVE] so itapos;s not very nice. [LOVE] splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your body tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain We canapos;t even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled, and torn, Itapos;s up to you to do the stitching."

And then get up. And walk around.

� "Just mangled guts pretending."

Do you one day if you still love them, do you tell them?
Do you ask them to give you a chance?
Do you deserve to be given a chance?
What if they dont want to give you a chance....?

Please.Discuss

-----

�

�

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This past couple of months Iapos;ve been eating too much due to boredom. I havenapos;t been this fat for years, and itapos;s killing me. I wish I could just close my mouth and starve until I get back to my regular weight, but every time I start dieting and excercising, something happens and I stop taking care of myself.
Food has been my reguard and my punishment. I eat because Iapos;m bored, because Iapos;m sad, because Iapos;m nervous... Itapos;s like my stomach canapos;t�feel full. And I hate it. I miss�last year, when I was too�busy to�eat and cigarettes were�my escape. I wish I could get another job for the rest of the week, so that I could be out of my place and my beloved food. I know Iapos;m not huge, Iapos;m not obese. But Iapos;m not used to be this fat, to feel like clothes donapos;t fit me, to hate taking pictures because I look like hell. I just want my body back
Iapos;ve been punishing me with pictures of my muse, Kate Moss. Sheapos;s a basketcase, but I love her. And I wish I could get to be as skinny as she is. Iapos;m trying to watch those pictures every day, so I feel guilty and stop eating. I hope it works. Wish me luck. If I do get skinny for Christmas, Iapos;ll feel the happiest person, Iapos;m sure. And maybe, Iapos;ll stop feeling as insecure as Iapos;ve been feeling lately.


If someone reads this and has an advice, Iapos;d love to read it

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������������ Such a good weekend i love doing shit on friday nights it makes the weekend go by so slowly, which is really good. I just doenloaded like 30 disney songs for a cd for emilys car. Friday movie night at Gabbys was so great She so nice :) Iapos;m happy I got to hangout with everyone that night, I hadnt seen Renee in a while and that was good, although I didnt see her that much becuase, actually i dont remember what I was doing..�lol but �I miss my friends. I never hangout with Jon and ally, and kyle any more either. :[.. Thats what happens when theres no summer. Fuck school. My back hurts, my head hurts.
���������� Me Emily, jo, kel, and mary went to a Haunted Tunnel in Pawtucket and it was REALLY cold, but fun, and only $5. Its like haunted hill but shorted, but better. Jordan sad something like "thats a real knife" or something to one of the people trying to scare us (who worked there) and hes like "Yeah, these are real chains to.. From my bed room" I was like "WHATT.?" fucking creep. O.o
Yupppp <3 night



oh, I talked to Sam for like 2 and a half hours on the phone Friday afternoon, I miss her.
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Now, I will be the first to say you canapos;t condemn someone for their ignorance if they have never had the opportunity to be educated. I donapos;t jump down the throats of random people who donapos;t know all the right language around transgender issues. But there is just no way people can claim they donapos;t have access to all the facts around the candidates. The campaigns have been going on for like two years They have been vetted There is just no excuse for these people besides willful, intentional ignorance and bigotry. Sometimes I am embarrassed to be white...



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So I am at home right now wishing I didnapos;t have to leave so soon. I came home Wednesday night and then I have to leave Saturday morning and I wish I could stay longer. I also wish I didnapos;t have to work Saturday so that I would have time to catch up on all my homework. But at least I am doing my chem lab report now instead of 2 oapos;clock in the morning the day itapos;s due. Not this time because I finally have motivation to get it done sooner.

What could my motivation possibly be? I now have a boyfriend. Yes after all that drama from last month I finally have someone. And no itapos;s not the person who rejected me. So yea I am ridiculously happy about it. He is the most amazing guy I know and he makes me so happy and I couldnapos;t ask for anything more. I wonapos;t squee about him to much but now you all know that there shouldnapos;t be any emo rantings in the near future... I sure as hell hope not.

Lol I have no idea what else to say right now except that even though I have failed half of my midterms... Life is pretty damn EPIC right now. I hope it stays that way for sometime.

P.S. Speaking of epic, my story shall be posted soon... Like sometime next week I hope but donapos;t hold your breath about it kay?
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Well, my idiot friend is out of his coma.

To fill all in, one of my more enthusiastic companions from back home managed to almost pickle his brain in vicious chemicals after heading back to London to begin his second drug-fuelled stint at uni. The poor buggerapos;s been in a coma for almost a month, but he came out some time this week and was discharged this morning. Looking shockingly skinny and pale. No brain damage. I dearly hope heapos;s learned something.

I also missed my Stats lecture because Steve wanted a sandwich.

Christ. Anyways, the main reason that precipitated my return to this particular neck of the intarwebs was alcohol. The second was terrible music. I stood/listened/vomited my way through four hours of abysmal music last night, trying to be nice. Iapos;m never nice. The resulting mental conflict was only resolved through liberal application of scotch and demanding a piggy back from Christian. I came home and prostrated myself before the good people of LJ, trying to make sense of my paradoxical, upside down and generally impressively messy life.

Iapos;m trying to re-live Saturday night, which was such good fun it makes me tingle just thinking about it. Essentially I went to watch Late of the Pier, Digitalism and the Midnight Juggernauts in some godawfully brilliant hole of a venue with about 1000 students, most of whom had taken so many drugs their eyes were pointing in different directions. I avoided the more sinister substances in light of the amazing Coma Moron, but still had the best night Iapos;ve had in about 4 months. Which wasnapos;t hard, to be honest. More stories will follow.

Now Iapos;m going to see a girl about a limo, more spiel to come.

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Ok so i�went to the shoe shop the other day cos my darling Alyssa needed some new shoes... We were in the number 1 shoe wharehouse.. And I�an so sure I�heard a christmas song? I�started singing along.. I am pretty sure it was "so this is christmas" which is I�have to confese (cant spell sorry) is my all time fav so I�am not really complaining but just asking if it was weird? I�dont sing christmas carols normally..honest but I thought that shops couldnt play carols till AT�LEAST�November? am I�right or is that just something everyone says?

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Yesterday I met up with my friend Triin from Couch Surfing. We had dinner at the Hellapos;s hound where I had excellent pork chop. Because I was so sleepy I decided to have coffee with real milk as I had to stay awake until 10 to catch my flight to Berlin. I got really sick in the car while Triin was driving me around to show me the suburbs but she was prepared and handed me a plastic bag because it had happened to her in arizona as well.

Triin was a great host showing me the different parts of Tallinn. Tallinn is very pretty I liked the old city. It is very progressive and I think the economy is doing rather well. Triin and I talked about the differences between Estonia and Australia and she mentioned that in Estonia it takes at least 10 years for someone to get citizenship - they do not want to make it easy for the russians.

I got to Berlin at 1030. I slept the entire way which was great. It took an hour to get back to the hostel. I tried to find food at midnight and couldnt find anything so I just had crackers and went to bed.

I got up at 530am and took the bus to the hautbanhoff. I slept the entire way to Cologne except for some part where I had to get up to make sure that I didnapos;t have to switch cars as the train was being split up.

Eva was there when I got to Cologne. I went home checked my mail and napped and then we had a nice dinner of Frikendel which is this dutch belgian sausage with onion and sauces. It was great. We are now home watching this really funny soap opera about this blended turkish-german family. I cant understand a thing but its funny as.

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This is the first night where I havenapos;t send a million frantic emails trying to search for apartments since I arrived. It really feels like a lifetime. Iapos;m experiencing a sense of well being that I mostly attribute to this new prospect for an apartment but also maybe a little bit to exhaustion and the steak tartare I had for dinner.

My enjoyment of raw meat is elemental.

Last night I visited the castle of Versailles. Just to see the outside and peak in the gardens. Itapos;s pretty impressive. Appropriately (and this was explained to me by a friend) there is a series of Jeff Koons sculptures on display at the moment. One of which is a huge metal balloon "animal" flower. Itapos;s something to do with luxury. Insert your own thoughts here.

Tomorrow still no rest. I have an appointment to check my health somewhere just south of Paris and then a few apartments to visit. Just for comparison purposes. None of which I intend to take.

Then I intend to call the slimy slime Germans at the last minute to tell them I am not taking their over priced room.

Et capos;est ca. I hope by the end of this week to be able to report that I will have a new place, ready to receive visitors.

Everyone, cross everything you can cross and start saving to come stay with me in Paris. Love to you all.

Mia

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